Some Fun This Week

So, while majorly upset with my Master (Our relationship has ended), I still had a lot of fun this week. On Sunday, I was talking with one of my friends while we were hanging out in the pool, and I brought up that I am into BDSM. Guess what? So was she. She came with me to a munch, and then one of the days this week we had a little scene. I put a few zippers on her (clothespins all attacted to a string/rope and then clamped to the skin. This then allows the top to pull on the string and pop off the clothesins very quickly all at once.) and we did a little spanking and paddling. I didn't get too much into that as I was very tired, she was badly sunburned, and again, I am new to topping, and did not want to give her too much too fast during our first play session.

I mentioned to another friend who has known that I am "kinky" that I am planning on going to a play party on Saturday. He also came over to swim, and then while sharing three bottles of "champange" he reveiled to me that he has both a foot fetish and a tickling fetish. He and I had been running around all day together, and I had been going outside barefoot for most of the day, and my feet were VERY dirty, but he asked if he could worship my feet. I had been DYING to have my feet worshiped, so of course I allowed him. It was amazing! It was so wet and passionate. He licked first one, sucked on my toes, and then the other foot. He also put my feet together and licked in between them (I thought of this like a foot pussy haha) and licked in between my toes. It was so awesome. He then asked if he could sleep at my feet, which he did for most of the night before turning around and sleeping normal ways.

My male foot-worshiper friend is coming over tonight, and my friend sent me a text yesterday about wanting to play. I wish I was in more of a Topping/Domme mood, but it gets really hard because I was badly hurt by my master.

The Breaking

My Master lied to me. The one thing I really will not stand. We've been having many issues and off and on, but he lied directly to my face, even when I asked him a very specific question. What a great thing to find out on the day we celebrate his birthday.

Another thing- he was pushing me to have a commitment ceremony even though he was lying to me. Why? I believe so he could tell me that i couldnt leave him when I found out.

He was right. All his relationships do end because of him. He was scared of being cheated on, which is basically what he was doing with me, as he lied to me.

Thankfully, about two weeks ago, I lost all my trust for him and cried and hurt for him. I did not regain trust for him within the past two weeks, which makes this parting easy. This parting causes me little sadness now, and mainly just a great relief that the drama is over.


Masters: DO NOT LIE TO YOUR SLAVE. M/s has the same needs as a regular relationship, and communication, trust, and stability are key to making it work.

Short version: He had another girl listed as his submissive. He assured me that they were not playing or having sex and that it was just a mentoring thing. He lied to me about this and he lied to her about being sexually active with me, and he lied to either one of us or possibly both of us about what he wanted from her and how long she was going to be around. I cannot stand being lied to.

Can I learn?

I once again have been making rash decisions over problems while dropping. Luckily my Master is very patient with me, has stuck around for me to calm down. My irrationality made Him think that I was throwing a fit to try to get my way, but after we discussed the situation calmly and logically, and I could explain why I was hurt, He made changes to His plan, as He now understands my problems with the current situation.

The best advice anyone can give you is this: calm down, and communicate. When you cant communicate effectively, the other person in your relationship cannot understand what you want them to do.

I have posted some pages up for informaion that isn't really my blogging, and I hope they will be helpful. As my blog is my random mess and collection of ideas, feelings, and thoughts, any good advice will be hard to collect. As I think on it now, most of my posts (the unhappy ones at least) are written while I was dropping. As this blog is mainly a way for my Master to be able to see how I am feeling, it is helpful to Him, but is under-represented in the happy times, so I will be sure to post more of that.

I have been writing a new contract for us. Our year of our first signing is almost here (Aug 13th!). Our contract didn't completely apply to us, it was more for a live-in situation, which we do not have, and as we are working on our new contract (He will be sending me some revisions within the hour) it will be specifically designed for us, which I now think is the best way to go about contracts. In it we have our general "always" rules, allowances for our special situation, and shows our love for eachother. I hope that reading it over will help withsub-drop and lonliness for when I cannot be with Him.

When our contract is finished, I will post it, if allowed.

And Back Again

After many hours of soul searching and thinking, i knew that i wanted to try being with my Master again. Yesterday, when i saw Him, we talked a little bit, and i ended up asking Him to take me back. He asked why He should; i said that i wanted to be a good girl. That i would take pains to obey Him, not whine or throw fits about anything (how very childish... i'm ashamed of myself) and that i had realized that previously, i had forgotten that in this relationship, He owes me nothing more than the instruction it takes to train me into the slave He wants me to be.

i, however, owe Him everything, and anything He wants, whenever, and however He wants. i am a lucky girl if He decides He wants to have sex with me, let me cum, play with me. i am lucky if He even looks at me. He is in charge, and i should not be fighting Him or being disobediant. He has never asked me to do anything that would harm me, and He gives me tasks that will make me a better person, last longer in scenes and during sex, and will make me a better slave. Why did i fight this before?

i am glad to have found my way back, as i adore this relationship, even though it is very hard work to own and be owned, the relationship is more fulfilling to me.

i am very afraid; when He accepted me back as His slave, He said "This is the last time." i know it's true. He will not take me back if i leave again. He cannot take the constant mind-changes and disobediance that He has been getting from me. i am lucky He even decided to give me one last chance. i must work exceedingly hard; for if i fight His authority, disobey Him, and make His life harder, i feel He will go. i only want to make Him happy, and make His life easier-its time i show it.

Missing...

As soon as I started learning about the M/s relationship, I knew it was what I wanted, and I entered the relationship with my most recent Master. I ended the relationship recently, thinking that I was not getting what I needed from it. It was making me think that I was trying to fit myself into the slave mold, and that I perhaps wasn't meant for that role.

I miss it terribly. I need to serve the one I love. I need to care for him, to do his chores, cook his food, submit, take the pain he gives, and provide my body for his use at every single minute of my day. Play and sex with others does not interest me in the least. I yearn to live to please him. I am unsure if I should ask him to take me back, as I was not getting what I wanted (play, attention, sex) as often as I thought I needed it due to outside factors.

I don't know what to hope for most - for these life situations to change in order to get the life I want, or to hope to find someone else to be with. I love him now, and I wish to submit to no one else. However, these life situations will not be changing anytime soon. Soon as within 10 years. Can I be happy with some middle ground? I am not sure, as I desperately want something I have difficulty to even describe, because to do so fully would, I fear, lead to dispair. The last thing I want is to leave the lifestyle. I need it, it is who I am. I wish I just would know what was going to happen, and when. However, that would ruin the journey, and likely prevent me from having the drive to get there.

Being a Masterless slave hurts, and I feel like so much of me is missing. I yearn to submit and serve in the way I envision, completely, live-in, 24/7. I hope someday I will have that.

What a Master Does and Gets

A Master/Mistress should provide, either directly, virtually, or through other people (not in any particular order):
Enough play time for His/Her slave
After-care
Protection of the slave
Needed mental and physical care
Enough sexual satisfaction
A safe place to turn for help
Support for basic needs (food, shelter, water, etc, through allowing her to work, providing for her, etc)

A Master/Mistress should, in return, receive from the slave:
Play time, limited only by absolute physical and mental limits (ie slave will fall asleep mid-scene, require medical attention, etc)
Sexual satisfaction, limited as above
Some types of play reserved for, and provided because of the slaves dedication and love. For me, this included pussy torture and pains I do not find pleasurable, among others.
Trust, respect, obedience, devotion
Someone to listen to His/Her problems

Of course, there are other things I may have missed that are vital to the M/s relationship, and this list is of the mature M/s relationship from my perspective. I wanted to get these down as I realized while playing this weekend that there are many things that I do not allow others to do to me. My front side feels extremely vulnerable, and I hate the feelings I get when others do things to my front side, and there are many things I have not tried because of this feeling (like breast/stomach/thigh flogging for example).

I am going to start writing an example of a M/s contract, an interests checklist, and other things I think would be beneficial to a M/s couple, group, or any individual thinking about partaking in one of these relationships. Again, as I am young and have limited perspective, it will be my view of things that will work well in this type of relationship, and will include tips for both Master/Mistress and slave to help fulfill the other partner(s) needs.

Long time without an update

So we discussed, and everything was ok, all hurts and misunderstandings were mostly just brushed over in the face of the overall realization that we cannot currently be together in a way that would make either of us truely happy. We have decided to take our own ways and we will both see where our respective lives take us, and if they bring us back together, at a point where we can have our life, we will. Until then, we are both moving on, and hoping that we will each have safe and happy lives. Until I find someone(s) else, I will be finding my play time at parties.

My Friends

So it seems more people read this than I knew, or thought. I have people giving me their hopes and thoughts, and I really am thankful that you all care enough about me to check this.

I also just wanted to say, quickly, that this is of course, my side of the story. I have done my best not to distort it. I know he comes from a good place, wanting to give me a friend and that safety in public, but if she does not want to play with me (unknown) and is straight (known), then it doesnt help me out with the things i am not getting from my love: enough loving time, attention, and BDSM play. Now, he has already dedicated himself to helping her, before i have met her, and I am hurt. I am expected to help this young lady find herself in BDSM, but i do not have the time or energy to teach someone completely new, especially if i do not get what i need out of the relationship.

I hope for his love, his apology, and his care. Because right now, I am not his. I do not feel like I was respected. Others in the community here have destroyed women in the same way our relationship is being destroyed.

I made this blog for a few reasons. I needed a place to put my frustration, hopes, anger, disappointments, my stuggles and my love. I needed them in one place so that he could read them when he had a second. I don't even know if he has read the last one, as he has no time to see me personally, to talk, or even to text.

I want to talk to him about the relationships others have witnessed collapsing. I wish he had been with me, this weekend, like he was supposed to, so he could have heard them all firsthand, and witnessed it.

I am not at ALL opposed to poly. Just to forced poly. With a man who has no time and a woman who is not attracted to me...sounds great.

Lost...Confused...Betrayed?

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Ode to my Master

Master, please do not read this. I want to read it outloud to you, if I may, so that you can get the breaks and emphasis I put into this that can only be found in my head. I wrote this for you, as I love you beyond a doubt.



A whisper, the perfect words on his breath
Raising the hairs on the back of my neck.
His arms wrap around me, strong and inviting.
My blood is racing, throbbing and pounding.
His hands drift up, and wrap in my hair
Then choke me, and I gasp for air.
His ropes, so sensual and sweet,
Tie me up tight, and only for keeps.
The leather, my collar so tight
Makes me feel sexy, wanted and right.
The flogger falls on my butt and my back
My new leather paddle makes quite a “thwack!”
Tears of pleasure fall from my face
My eyes fuzz and I enter sub-space
Some may think it’s wrong, but o - it feels good
I would submit to you all night if I could!
We end in a flurry of passion and lust
Lovemaking and snuggles to end is a must.
As always, I know, the scene cannot last all night,
But my love for you will - for the rest my life.

For O/our future room

The perfect dungeon can be created out of our bedroom!
A collapsable saint andrews cross that turns into a pedestal and shelf http://www.foxyfurniture.com/catalog/item/2126630/1537428.htm

A "pandoras chest" to kneel on, bend over on, etc and for storage http://www.foxyfurniture.com/catalog/item/2126630/1747458.htm

Add some rings in the ceiling over the bed, for suspension or bondage/restraint. These can, when not in use, be used to hold fabric to drap over the bed.

Tall cabinets to hold our toys, so they can hang. I saw someone use pegboard, which allowed them to constanly arrange toys and allow everything to fit.

Paint could be a beautiful grey or blue/grey, with grey and white accents, and dark, rich wood. Not only is this an appropriate color for a bedroom, it is appropriate for a dungeon, and i personally would love this bedroom.

I can picture it already. And i want it. It will happen.

Worries

So the semester is almost over. Meaning finals and wrapping up the dorm life. Problem is, i have no idea where i am going to live this summer. I declined the summer dorm, thinking i'd live in my house, but the rooms have all been rented. So in two weeks, I have tests, finals, and papers, and have to check out about 30 people, and move myself, all while having no idea where i am going to live. needless to say my life has been crazy.

When I want to end it...

I am hurting so badly... Experiencing sub drop for the first time. Played at a play party with a friend yesterday... Had a good long aftercare... but i think that it was cause by my "master." The person I played with was doing a kinky photo shoot with some other girls, and I was invited to come along. Now, I didnt check with my "master" if i could carpool with this friend, or about the shoot, because earlier that day, he told me that he was thinking we should go on a break, so he could get his mind together. I assumed that meant everything would stop for a while. I changed my relationship status on my fetlife, which he was mad over, but didnt wsay anything more than that it hurt him.

This basically was my (text) conversation with my "master" today:
me: i'm doing a kinky photo shoot with my friend and two other girls. There is lots of stuff for me to wear :)
him: You should see if one of the girls can play with us. I'm not happy about all this time with your friend
me: i'msorry i thought we were on break
him: no i said i was thinking about it which was why i was so upset about your fetlife page. and why i said i was upset last night when you were going to be with him. and even if we did it would be from being lovers not from being your master.
me: haha you havent really been my master for a very long time. and i also told you that i dont want you to just say something like that if you arent doing it. and i thought we did decide to
him: nice thanks for the input
me: lets not fight please. i love you. i wish you were here. But i've been doing whatever because i thought we ended it. At least for now.
him: nope and like i said thanks for the input
me: nope?
him: well i guess it is done then
me: can i call you?i havent felt like your property since my last dom so idk what you want.
him: god i am so pissed right now
me: i thought we were on break.
him: in this community that we joined together (not true i went first without him) you are MY slave and that is how you will stay unless i give you to comeone else. The rest of the time you were my lover and my heart until we knew if you were going to be my slave at home as well.
me: i haven't felt like your slave since my last dom so idk what you want
him: well i am going to have to change that i know due to things going on i have been very lax but i never expected you to mistake that for you not knowing your place with me and knowing that you are still mine and owned by me. the break would be from being lovers I am and will always be your master until i decide to give you to someone else. enjoy today as it will be the last for a while
me: i did not sign that. and i dont recall signing anything after we last stopped.
him: i see then i have what i need to know
me: would you stop talking in code? i prefer being your lover to this.
him: i'm not talking in code. when are you leaving
me: i'm not sure he brought me
him: ok well just stay with him then
me:stop being a baby please. I want to be with you. I re-arranged my school schedual for you. i love you. not him.
him: I am not being a baby i have been betrayed by my slave and the woman i love
me: i have not betrayed you!
him: you are out playing with another man that does not have a play partner and has made it clear he is looking for one and you never mentioned you going with him him last night and you never mentioned at any time today nor did you talk to me about either at any point.
me:well i am very sorry. i thought we were on break. i didnt think there was a problem. Please i didnt know i was doing anything wrong. you know i love you and i want to be with you. i didnt think i was in the wrong. you knew i was going to go play.
him: yeah i knew you were going to the play party but did not know you were riding with him and you said nothing about today
me: i know i didnt think i needed to. There is no need to worry about me i dont want to play anymore. (by now, i am fully in drop, and tears are running down my face. My time has been completely ruined, along with my body image, as my pictures did not make me look as i wanted to look.)
him: why what is going on?
me: I'm not happy. I dont want to be in the lifestlye anymore
him: you love the lifestyle as do i. I love you
me: you tell me you are pissed and ruin my time and then you love me?
him: just because i am pissed does not mean i dont love you
me:well please dont be pissed i cant take you being pissed off at me

end of conversation, and i am not able to talk to him anymore tonight.

Play Party and Thinking

The last play party was a complete blast! I got some major bruises and played with two people other than my master. My master could not be there for both nights and was only there for a little while the first night, but our playing was also very nice. I am still (about 40 hours later) flying from the endorphin rush.

I have been thinking about what i want with my Master, as i am not really sure anymore if i can be what i will need to be if we do end up together forever. I am not sure that i want to be a step mother, at least at this point in my life. In five or so years, will it be any better, as she will then be a teenager. I want to live and wait a while to have children, and be able to fully emerse and live out this crazy lifestyle, which we cannot do with a child in the house. I want to wait about ten years to start having children, but i dont want him to have his youngest child grown and then back to step one with babies. Im worried he will decide he doesnt want any children, which will then lead to a divorce, honestly. I'm worried that i will decide at this point that i wont want children, and then may regret it later.

I'm so young, and i dont want to make a major mistake this early. I want to be able to leave before i get myself in a position when it is more difficult. But i am not ready to leave. I am in love. i want to be with him.

Of course, seeing others at the party didnt help. Many of these people have children, some grown, others not, but i want a 24/7 lifestyle right now. I dont want to worry about children being around. I want to be the child/puppy/play thing/slut/what have you. I want to be with someone(s) all the time. I am also really wanting to be with women (esp a few that i have met through the community) and i think this is also making it harder. I at least want to have a sexy woman to play with.

He is always telling me that he doesnt want me to regret being with him. I am afraid that he, one day if we are together, regret me. And that kills me.

Just found it

I just found it. The word i've been looking for in relation to the play party. To, more specifically, the moments when Master took me away from the cross and told me it was time to leave.
Resentment. Not anger, not sadness. I was hurt that he made me leave. That it felt like he was taking my sub-space away. Taking away my pain, (lol never thought i would write that as a bad thing) my fun, and my show.

I KNOW that he did not do this to be mean. I had been there a while, dont want to hog. He also didnt want me to go into subspace that close to us needing to leave and to then have to interact with others and stay the night alone. I know this, i understand.

Knowing what it was that I was feeling makes me feel better now. I am aching and yearning for the pain, for the chance. To get past just the pain, hit my soul, and cry. To beg and plead, and then have Him reconstruct my world.

I love you, Master.

Better Again

Master and i have sorted our problems, and are on our happy way. Our journey will continue to be difficult. Our love keeps pulling us towards eachother, and we cannot bear to let the other go. I am still worried, however. I am afraid to make some choice that will effect my entire future, and love is a major part of this. I am afraid of being an adult, which i am, and i am tired and afraid of the responsibilities i have and am gaining. Life keeps getting harder. The results are worth it.

My switch side had been bothering me lately. I have had a lot of urges to fight back and dominate. I am becoming a more bratty sub, for sure. And i still haven't been doing my work-outs, although i do want to, my body urges to move, but every free moment i am feeling very lazy, and extremely exhausted. Why did spring break end?

Some Amazing Love...And Some Problems

All relatioships take a lot of work, as i am surely finding out. The good usually is worth the bad. Master wrote this poem for me, the first poem He has ever written ever.

My love takes my breath away and always steals my heart.
The way she twirls her hair is sure to make a spark.
As I sit back and take in a deep breath of her perfumed filled air,
She sits and wonders why I stare.
My feelings for her are like a rollercoaster some times up and some times down but my love for her is so profound.
As my head whirls here and there!
I long, for her loving stare.
As my chest begins to breathe and my heart begins to pound!
I wonder if she knows?
She makes my world go round.
With each day my love for her grows anew.
And with that I will end this poem with,

I LOVE YOU!!!!

Isn't it adorable??? I love you too!!!

Friday, we hung out with his best friend for a while. He had been whispering beautiful things in my ear, when some things were brought up by his friend that i did not want to discuss, and i chose to purposefully not answer the questions. Master answered for me...and more questions were asked, becoming more and more personal. I started crying, and wondering why would he be answering such questions, when the information, to me, was told in confidence. I started crying at the bar, and ran off to the bathroom to compose myself and dry my tears. I looked at the mirror and wanted to die.

Once composed, i went back outside. They were no longer at the bar. I figured they were in the restroom, but i could not go back out to the bar alone, so i walked outside, knowing that we needed to leave very quickly. I waited outside for quite a while, and Master eventually texted me to come in. I told Him i was outside waiting. They still took quite a while to come out.

Master and i got in the car and He appologized and explained why He answered for me. He was trying to defend me. I explained that i chose not to answer because i would rather "loose" the conversation than to explain my whole life to someone. Master hadn't realized that i told him that in confidence.

Why Am I Fighting It?

I have been having a lot of trouble adjusting to being His slave again. My loneliness without him is really making me cranky, which makes me want to be disobedient. I still haven't learned that by disobeying Him wont get me more time. Previously it has even led to less time with Him.

There is no one around! Everyone is gone because it is Spring Break. I'm so bored and Master doesn't have time and i always know that this isn't because He doesnt love me or because He doesnt want to spend time with me but it still hurts.

Getting so close to sub-space and having it ripped away from me really hurts, and makes me feel the frenzy coming again.

Am i really going to sit here, all dressed up cute for Saint Patricks Day, and spend this night watching tv and browzing online?

New Toys and Workout

Master came over this morning, with some rope he brought to make a rope flogger. He sat on the side of my bed, while i lay there, tired and slightly hung over from the long night before, out with friends. He whipped the handle together quickly, and cut the ends. While He was making it, i told Him that i love Him, and He said that He loves me as well. HE then turned right around and said "I cant wait to beat you with this." It made me laugh, it was so cute. He looked so excited and happy, and i loved it. He told me to put beads on them later this afternoon, which i have already done. The beads will make it stingy, which i am not all that happy about, but it should help even out the thuddy-ness i experienced with the rope flogger i encountered at the party.

Yesterday, Master had given me a workout schedual, and i did not do my work out for the night due to getting drunk. Therefore, He decided that my punishment would be to not drink for the rest of the week, which really REALLY sucks because its my spring break! He let me have tomorrow for Saint Patricks but i dont even have plans for that and it makes me really upset. I did not do the morning ones today, as my mother called me and told me that one of my friends was in the hospital, and we went to see her. Now, its 5:30, and i have just had some terribly filling and fattening, sweet, rich food, and feel very sick, and really dont want to catch up.

I'm feeling terribly un-slavelike at the moment, as i did yesterday. I'm not sure what i will decide to do. Thats why i've jumped up on my computer, and hopefully i will read something that will re-instil my fevor to serve my Master.

First Play Party

The first play party was AMAZING! I had an awesome time. The play party was a learning party, and though we already knew what was presented, it was good to have it through the community. We had an introduction to dungeon etiqutte, how to ask people to scene with you, negotiation (which was a very helpful presentation, and extrememly important in my veiw), and a few other basic BDSM ideas. We mingled, and had some snacks as they started preparing for demos.

We started out at the flogging demo. There was a Saint Andrews cross the bottom was bracing herslef on. I have been flogged before, and Master had flogged others (and me for a very short time) before. After the demo was completed and a few people were taking turns trying it out for themselves with the demo bottom. One of the demo Tops asked if anyone else would like to try, and no one rose to it, and Master asked if i could bottom. She said yes, and prepared for me to be flogged. Master whispered in my ear to remove my dress. The two demo Tops asked which one of them i would like to flog me, i said i had no preferance as i did not have knowledge of their differences, as i slipped off the straps of my dress. The main demo-er stepped up. Master told me again, more forcefully, to remove my dress. I dropped it off my body. It puddled on the floor, and i stood there in my collar, black lacy underwear, ad black high heels. The crowd all made sounds of approval, and the embarrassment i felt was amazing.

i stood by the cross, and braced myself on it. she warmed me up by patting harder and harder on my upper back. After a bit, she moved on to floggers. The pleasure and pain were amazing. She want up to a harder hitting flogger to get me to ~7 of pain. after a bit longer, it got a little more intense, and i said it was at an 8 right when she asked if it was going up in pain at all. She then stopped, i put my clothes back on, and Master cuddled and loved on me, got me some water, and sat me down in the next room, where the spanking demo was going on.

The spanking demo was very hot as well. By the time i got there, his poor little butt was super red. There was a spanking bench that he was bent over. I was itching to get on that bench, but the spanking demo was, apparently, going to be a very long one. I mentioned to Master that i wanted my butt to be that red.

After a while, we went to see the bondage demo. This didn't do too much for me, i suppose i was more in the mood for pain related-ness. I needed to use the restroom, and asked Master if i could go. He said yes. I started heading toward the bathroom, but stopped and asked him which i should use. There were two-the one i headed towards in the begining, and the one connected to the bondage room, which did not have a door. He told me to use the doorless one. This was yet another, slightly humiliating experience.

We then wandered around a bit more, and the spanking bench was taken by another couple. The flogging room had moved on to cropping, and Master yet again offered me up, for my butt and the cropper, without warm up. I removed my dress again, Master stood on the other side of the cross to kiss on me and watch my reactions, and pain commenced, through the same woman as before. I did not really like the little rubber flogger; it was quite stingy, and i definately prefer thuddy. She moved on to a cat paw crop. The pain continued, almost unbearably, but i managed to continue for the pleasure of the crowd, Master, and the Top, who were all talking about my squirming, gasping, ans little shrieks of pleasure/pain. She asked if she could do two more, very hard ones to finish. They did not seem more hard than the others.

Master also asked if we could have a rope flogger used on me, as i had been tinking about making one. It had a very wide range of sensations, but was not as pleasurable, for me, as the other floggers. I almost hit sub-space, but Master pulled me out of it, just as i was about to go under, which kind of made me depressed; i have been hoping to get into subspace for a long time.

We thanked our hosts, and the demo leaders, and left about thirty minutes early, as it was a little far to go and i was needing quite a bit of loving care from Master. The play party was amazingly fun. I would hightly suggest anyone who hasn't gone to onw to go, especially before entering a Master/slave relationship, especially if you can go to one aimed towards new people.

Looking Back

Now, looking back at the first few months, my perspective and understanding of my Masters' way makes much more sense. The friend He wanted to find for me would have helped. I could not understand the emotions i was feeling, and having someone, anyone, to talk to about it would have helped. Currently, i am a member of Fetlife.com, a site where a kinky person can discuss with others.

My journal ends after these last few, angry, undated entries. My recount of the times after this will be much less detailed and not completely accurate, but should be enough to understand. I did not end my relationship with my Master. I did, again, betray His trust, through another sexual encounter. While I had been allowed to have sexual partners of the same sex without needing prior permission, there was one drunk night where, while hooking up with a very sexy girl, i allowed her boyfriend to enter my Masters body. Instead of releasing me, He taught me important lessons of trust, patience, and love. My only luck here is that He forgave me. I have not, in the six months following, lost His trust and betrayed Him again, nor have i even had the urge.

On my sisters birthday, i met another Dom. He was cocky and full of himself, and i was intrigued. With his strongest efforts, i stayed true to my Master. Masters' rules were that if i wanted to have sex with someone outside the lifestyle, i had to ask, but within the lifestyle, the Dom or Domme needed to ask for sex or anything BDSM related. This Dom refused, and still, i stayed true. Over time, this Dom asked my Master if he could play with me. My Master agreed, and a sudden surge of BDSM flooded into my life. I was very happy. The sex was often, and good. There were ball gags and floggers, and over time, the extra attention drew me closer to this Dom.

My Master wanted me to take a month to be with this Dom, and not with Him. At first I refused, but eventually, this Dom would become my boyfriend. He was never my Master. That relationship brought me down. Drugs became a large part of my life, and my grades suffered because of it. After a little over a month (my Master knows so well!), he broke up with me, at my own housewarming party. Why? Because he found a text from my Master, the contents of which showed that i was being completely loyal to my new boyfriend and Dom. One day later, this "Dom" started to purposefully hurt me, first by spending Christmas Eve and Day with his old sub, whom he had told me was keeping him down in life, and by ruining plans with him and a large number of friends for not only Christmas, but also New Years and my 21st birthday, just a few days afterward.

While my New Years and birthday were not ruined (they were awesome in fact! Thanks guys!), I was very afraid to re-join the lifestyle, and risk myself to be hurt again. A Dom has a huge amount of control over the sub, and when they go out of their way to hurt you, and not give you the aftercare you need, it causes a huge distaste. However, with time, I was drawn back to my Master.

BDSM, for most, and definately for me, is a part of your life. Without it, i am not myself. During my time with this "Dom," I had joined Fetlife.com. After the breakup, I had a very large problem with "sub frenzy," a feeling that can overwhelm the mind, and lead to some dangerous situations. I was willing to risk anything for the high of submitting. It was to the point where i would rather have been in the hospital for a bad BDSM encounter (untrained bondage, whipping, etc can be very dangerous, and i was willing to submit to a stranger!) than to continue without it. Luckily, my Master came to my rescue. My love and trust for my Master pulled me back to Him, and we returned to our relationship. While He was out of town, I pushed my frenzy down by going to lunch with some very nice ladies, a bondage scene in my sisters home, and going to a social mixer. Since then, my frenzy has gone, but it was one of the most challenging things I have ever experienced.

Today, I have never been so in love with anyone as i am with my Master, and am completely happy. He has helped me overcome my addiction to sex, and i am completely dedicated to Him. While there are always ups and downs, we are completely in love and willing to work at our relationship. I would give anything for Him.

Tomorrow, i am going, with Master, to our first play party together. I am extremely excited, as is He.

Journal, continued, September - ?

September 29, 2009

Dear Master,

I wish i could tell you these things, but i am afraid. I wish you would read this, but you wont unless i ask you to, which i wont because we have such little time together. I wish you remembered more of what i tell you. I wish you remembered that i asked you to read this once in a while so you know how i'm doing. i wish you would fuck me harder and rougher. It's been ages since you've tied me up or gently whipped me, even though i keep leaving hints. My last fuck buddy and i had crazy sex. He'd actually choke me until I couldn't remind myself how to breathe and he'd have to slap me to wake me and tell me to breathe.

I wish you would hurt me when i ask! I can get vanilla from anyone. I'm even afraid to ask anymore because i'm never sure what i'm going to get from You, and its almost never what i really want or am needing. (I made a major mistake of asking for a beating instead of just whipping. Much harder much faster, and in such a way that it wasn't pleasurable...for me. He sure enjoyed it.)

I wish I could tell You how ashamed i am when i don't have money for rent. I cant let this happen anymore. Accepting money is hard, especially when i'm worried that You're feeling obligated. Which you aren't. I appriectiate it very much, You are saving me, and i wount let it happen anymore. Thank You.

I wish You would make me a schedual/diet/work out plan and give it to me, like You said You would. If i had it, i'd feel like i was serving You all the time. I know You're busy, and this is my only place to voice my selfish thoughts and actions. Getting it all out helps me re-focus and become a better slave.

Thank you for making a bit more time for me. I love You.

Undated 1

Master: Maybe if I bookmark this, You will look at me tomorrow when you come over.
Can't wait to see you!

Undated 2

Oh yeah... the way I came so hard (on my belly, with closed legs) was because you were massaging me at the same time.
Without it, the postition sucks!

Undated 3

Or not...
not enough time, no more slave.
Couldn't do it anymore.

Journal, continued, August 20-25

August 20, 2009
So Master and i got my collar yesterday, which i love! (We went to Petsmart to get it, and he placed it on my neck, right there in the store!) I wish i could be waring it, but it's not a good idea to infront of Sarah (we had moved into a house together) However, in addition to this, He told me He might find a friend for me, which i took as Him wanting another slave. I believe He told me that wasn't what He was after, He was just looking for a friend who knew about the situation, and that sometimes we could have sex with her, and that i could have unlimited sex with. I still think He wants another slave. I'm not sure, He talks in code all the time. I don't think He knows how it will crush me. I shall have him read this.

I can see myself now, slunking in the corner, horrifies by Him telling me it was final. No matter how many times He might tell me otherwise, i will feel inferior. Like i'm not doing a good enough job. He can fuck whoever He wants and i will be fine. Another slave would kill me. I don't know if i could ever get over it. I hurt so badly just thinking about it. He didn't even tell me goodnight tonight! Just thinking about this has me sobbing over the kitchen counter. Please Master, please don't take another slave! At least not an experienced one, i think i could handle another newbie, but please i'm begging you. Yeasterday i was enough of my own person to take it and leave you, but today i would break, die, or wish that i could. Please please please Master, i will have no self worth.

Just even the thought has broken my heart...I love you...Please, don't push me into the dark abyss, to be consumed, yet again, by the darkness.

August 25, 2009
So the slae experiences have been interesting. Getting the collar wasn't as obvious as i thought it would be. I cant sleep with it on all night, i wake up with it off. I guess i remove it while sleeping. I rarely get to wear it with school, work, and everything. My old fuck buddy Andrew came back into my life, with drunk buddies of his telling me that his sister died. I had him over, not for sex but to talk, and our loving cuddling led to other things...sex.I told my Master, and broke His trust for me. If i ever have sex without His permission, He will leave me forever. The thought breaks my heart. I am a little afraid that i cannot do it. If I lived with Him, or if He at least lived alone, it would be better. What am i supposed to do if a similar situation arises? I cannot text Him at 2 am. I guess the soltuion is to just not, but I tried very hard not to in the first place. I am brokenhearted about this...i love Andrew and i know he loves me too, but it is not the same as my love for my Master. Neverless, it is irresistable - i do not think i can say no to him. I want a lover and a Master. Unfortunatley, i've realized that i cannot truely have both in one man, at least not with how much He works right now.

I must not give Him reason to leave me, but am I strong enough?

Back Through My Journal, August 11-18

During the begining of our relationship, i requested to keep a journal of my journey. I was given permission, and like with any new hooby, i practiced it more in the begining. Here, i will type it all, word for word, uneditted, so forgive bad grammer. Hopefully, the range of emotions and things i have learned can help someone else along their journey. Names will be changed to protect identity. Notes will be in green

August 16, 2009
So, around August 11th, I realized that i truely wanted to belong to Him, and be His slave, and to obey Him and serve Him fully and completely. On Thursday the 13th, I signed our contract, officially making me His slave. Waiting to sign it made me so very wet and honry for Him. I am completely thrilled with it, although I wish He would move a little faster. I do not feel enough like His, not owned enough. I need to feel like He owns every part of me, my lips, my ears, my fingers and toes, like i want Him to own them. He does own me in my mind, but i do not feel in. However, my Master has had 6 slaves, and I have never been a slave before.

My Master is so very good at loving me. He can directly touch my clit and make it crazy and intense without hurting me how has happened with other men. And if it were to hurt, I'd be ok with it, because it would please Him. I cannot wait to bring more BDSM into it, as bondage etc are hard to do in an office!

August 17, 2009
I now wish I hadn't told my Master about feeling more like His lover than his slave. I did this yesterday at Sarah's apartment. He proceeded to have me go down on him while also plaing with my clit, directly touching me and giving me the overwhelming sensations that make you not be able to think at all. He kept at it until i was crying, then He finaly stopped. I was left so weak. Before He lfet, he made me set an alarm so i could nap and not be late for work, and directly commanded me not to be late. Which i was, by 1 minute. He didn't punish me because he felt partially responsible although i wished He would have. Today, I called him babe, which i guess i am no longer allowed to call him. He text "yelled" at me, and then continued saying i was disrespecting Him and that i would be punished by Him not seeing me today. I just moved into my new house and before becoming His slave we had planned on Him bringing over a bottle of wine, enjoying it together, and fucking. Not sure if the fucking will happen, as i am on my period. I am not expecting anything anymore. It is more likely that there will be no wine (I doubt he even remembers i was right there never was) and all sex will be for his pleasure alone. I am not his lover, and i am painfully aware of this now. No pleasure for me is fine, i am his and not in the mood anyway.

Later that day
Master told me He had been contacting people from His past to find another sub or slave for me to befriend. My mind jumped to his ex-slaves, and i thought maybe He is taking on another slave. The thought of watching Him fuck another slave hurts. I told him that i was afraid to loose Him to this other slave, and He told me that we would be equals. This is not good enough for me. I am His slave, andshe would not be - unless he is taking a new slave - i think that should make me more valued to Him. I did feel better when He reminded me that I am under His child only in what He cherishes and loves. I am afraid that i am too stubborn to be a good slave, and too used to being my own person and getting my way, and that seeing another, already trained slave will make Him want to give up on the work on me. If i lived with Him it would be easier.

August 18, 2009
Yesterday Master taught me how to stand and kneel. He said once i know my etiquette that He would take me to a BDSM club and tie me to a sexy pony (I dont even know what i'm talking about here lol) and be blindfolded so i wouldn't know who was touching, licking, or fucking me. I told Him this made me very nervous, but of course i had forgotten that He, of course, would be controlling that. I got so turned on. I also realized yesterday that i am a masocist. I thought before that i just liked rough sex, be He made me cum by just biting my nipples very hard. I never thought i would enjoy that, nor just pure pain. Especially to the nipples. Now, i cant wait for more! I'm so curious about being whipped. I think my Master now realises the pace i am ready for, in all aspects. I still haven't recieved my collars yet. I want them badly, to mark physically that i am His.

Introduction to My Relationship

I entered the lifestyle, as we call it, in August 2009. The urge for BDSM had been with me all my life, and until then, i had never had a way to describe and express these needs. Finding Him was the best thing that happened to me, as it helped me find who i really am.

Very quickly, we progressed into a M/s relationship. Before i say the full name of this, i want to describe it. A M/s relationship is different depending on who is involved, but for me, is full of love and commitment. M/s is a form of power exchange, where one person gives up powers to the other. This can be very comforting to both parties, knowing that there is someone who wants to make you happy in this different way. Honestly, understanding the concept may be quite frightening to some (like my mother, i wonder what she would think!), and an outrage to others. In my case, i am the "s," and receive great satisfaction by pleasing my "M." Relinquishing power to Him gives me happiness, and receiving the power i WILLINGLY have given to Him pleases Him.

M/s stands for Master(Mistress)/slave. This is not the form of "slave" that many of us think of immediately, it is simply the name given to this relationship. There should not be any truly terrible thing happening to the slave, and most of the accounts we hear of these sorts of relationships are the bad ones, through the news. Honestly, this relationship gave me great happiness that i had never experienced before.

If you are wondering of my typing, in a M/s relationship, the Master or Mistress is generally capitalized (He, Her, His, Hers, etc), while the slave is not capitalized (i), and together is often referred to as W/we or U/us. My Master does not require this of me, however i will do my best to type this way, for the benefit of T/those whom would.

I started this blog because i need the ability to express myself safely, and to think about and talk about BDSM and O/our relationship. I will continue with my story tomorrow, as it is very late (reason for any grammar and typos) and I have midterms tomorrow... The passion had filled me and I needed to write.