Journal, continued, August 20-25

August 20, 2009
So Master and i got my collar yesterday, which i love! (We went to Petsmart to get it, and he placed it on my neck, right there in the store!) I wish i could be waring it, but it's not a good idea to infront of Sarah (we had moved into a house together) However, in addition to this, He told me He might find a friend for me, which i took as Him wanting another slave. I believe He told me that wasn't what He was after, He was just looking for a friend who knew about the situation, and that sometimes we could have sex with her, and that i could have unlimited sex with. I still think He wants another slave. I'm not sure, He talks in code all the time. I don't think He knows how it will crush me. I shall have him read this.

I can see myself now, slunking in the corner, horrifies by Him telling me it was final. No matter how many times He might tell me otherwise, i will feel inferior. Like i'm not doing a good enough job. He can fuck whoever He wants and i will be fine. Another slave would kill me. I don't know if i could ever get over it. I hurt so badly just thinking about it. He didn't even tell me goodnight tonight! Just thinking about this has me sobbing over the kitchen counter. Please Master, please don't take another slave! At least not an experienced one, i think i could handle another newbie, but please i'm begging you. Yeasterday i was enough of my own person to take it and leave you, but today i would break, die, or wish that i could. Please please please Master, i will have no self worth.

Just even the thought has broken my heart...I love you...Please, don't push me into the dark abyss, to be consumed, yet again, by the darkness.

August 25, 2009
So the slae experiences have been interesting. Getting the collar wasn't as obvious as i thought it would be. I cant sleep with it on all night, i wake up with it off. I guess i remove it while sleeping. I rarely get to wear it with school, work, and everything. My old fuck buddy Andrew came back into my life, with drunk buddies of his telling me that his sister died. I had him over, not for sex but to talk, and our loving cuddling led to other things...sex.I told my Master, and broke His trust for me. If i ever have sex without His permission, He will leave me forever. The thought breaks my heart. I am a little afraid that i cannot do it. If I lived with Him, or if He at least lived alone, it would be better. What am i supposed to do if a similar situation arises? I cannot text Him at 2 am. I guess the soltuion is to just not, but I tried very hard not to in the first place. I am brokenhearted about this...i love Andrew and i know he loves me too, but it is not the same as my love for my Master. Neverless, it is irresistable - i do not think i can say no to him. I want a lover and a Master. Unfortunatley, i've realized that i cannot truely have both in one man, at least not with how much He works right now.

I must not give Him reason to leave me, but am I strong enough?