Back Through My Journal, August 11-18

During the begining of our relationship, i requested to keep a journal of my journey. I was given permission, and like with any new hooby, i practiced it more in the begining. Here, i will type it all, word for word, uneditted, so forgive bad grammer. Hopefully, the range of emotions and things i have learned can help someone else along their journey. Names will be changed to protect identity. Notes will be in green

August 16, 2009
So, around August 11th, I realized that i truely wanted to belong to Him, and be His slave, and to obey Him and serve Him fully and completely. On Thursday the 13th, I signed our contract, officially making me His slave. Waiting to sign it made me so very wet and honry for Him. I am completely thrilled with it, although I wish He would move a little faster. I do not feel enough like His, not owned enough. I need to feel like He owns every part of me, my lips, my ears, my fingers and toes, like i want Him to own them. He does own me in my mind, but i do not feel in. However, my Master has had 6 slaves, and I have never been a slave before.

My Master is so very good at loving me. He can directly touch my clit and make it crazy and intense without hurting me how has happened with other men. And if it were to hurt, I'd be ok with it, because it would please Him. I cannot wait to bring more BDSM into it, as bondage etc are hard to do in an office!

August 17, 2009
I now wish I hadn't told my Master about feeling more like His lover than his slave. I did this yesterday at Sarah's apartment. He proceeded to have me go down on him while also plaing with my clit, directly touching me and giving me the overwhelming sensations that make you not be able to think at all. He kept at it until i was crying, then He finaly stopped. I was left so weak. Before He lfet, he made me set an alarm so i could nap and not be late for work, and directly commanded me not to be late. Which i was, by 1 minute. He didn't punish me because he felt partially responsible although i wished He would have. Today, I called him babe, which i guess i am no longer allowed to call him. He text "yelled" at me, and then continued saying i was disrespecting Him and that i would be punished by Him not seeing me today. I just moved into my new house and before becoming His slave we had planned on Him bringing over a bottle of wine, enjoying it together, and fucking. Not sure if the fucking will happen, as i am on my period. I am not expecting anything anymore. It is more likely that there will be no wine (I doubt he even remembers i was right there never was) and all sex will be for his pleasure alone. I am not his lover, and i am painfully aware of this now. No pleasure for me is fine, i am his and not in the mood anyway.

Later that day
Master told me He had been contacting people from His past to find another sub or slave for me to befriend. My mind jumped to his ex-slaves, and i thought maybe He is taking on another slave. The thought of watching Him fuck another slave hurts. I told him that i was afraid to loose Him to this other slave, and He told me that we would be equals. This is not good enough for me. I am His slave, andshe would not be - unless he is taking a new slave - i think that should make me more valued to Him. I did feel better when He reminded me that I am under His child only in what He cherishes and loves. I am afraid that i am too stubborn to be a good slave, and too used to being my own person and getting my way, and that seeing another, already trained slave will make Him want to give up on the work on me. If i lived with Him it would be easier.

August 18, 2009
Yesterday Master taught me how to stand and kneel. He said once i know my etiquette that He would take me to a BDSM club and tie me to a sexy pony (I dont even know what i'm talking about here lol) and be blindfolded so i wouldn't know who was touching, licking, or fucking me. I told Him this made me very nervous, but of course i had forgotten that He, of course, would be controlling that. I got so turned on. I also realized yesterday that i am a masocist. I thought before that i just liked rough sex, be He made me cum by just biting my nipples very hard. I never thought i would enjoy that, nor just pure pain. Especially to the nipples. Now, i cant wait for more! I'm so curious about being whipped. I think my Master now realises the pace i am ready for, in all aspects. I still haven't recieved my collars yet. I want them badly, to mark physically that i am His.