And Back Again

After many hours of soul searching and thinking, i knew that i wanted to try being with my Master again. Yesterday, when i saw Him, we talked a little bit, and i ended up asking Him to take me back. He asked why He should; i said that i wanted to be a good girl. That i would take pains to obey Him, not whine or throw fits about anything (how very childish... i'm ashamed of myself) and that i had realized that previously, i had forgotten that in this relationship, He owes me nothing more than the instruction it takes to train me into the slave He wants me to be.

i, however, owe Him everything, and anything He wants, whenever, and however He wants. i am a lucky girl if He decides He wants to have sex with me, let me cum, play with me. i am lucky if He even looks at me. He is in charge, and i should not be fighting Him or being disobediant. He has never asked me to do anything that would harm me, and He gives me tasks that will make me a better person, last longer in scenes and during sex, and will make me a better slave. Why did i fight this before?

i am glad to have found my way back, as i adore this relationship, even though it is very hard work to own and be owned, the relationship is more fulfilling to me.

i am very afraid; when He accepted me back as His slave, He said "This is the last time." i know it's true. He will not take me back if i leave again. He cannot take the constant mind-changes and disobediance that He has been getting from me. i am lucky He even decided to give me one last chance. i must work exceedingly hard; for if i fight His authority, disobey Him, and make His life harder, i feel He will go. i only want to make Him happy, and make His life easier-its time i show it.

Missing...

As soon as I started learning about the M/s relationship, I knew it was what I wanted, and I entered the relationship with my most recent Master. I ended the relationship recently, thinking that I was not getting what I needed from it. It was making me think that I was trying to fit myself into the slave mold, and that I perhaps wasn't meant for that role.

I miss it terribly. I need to serve the one I love. I need to care for him, to do his chores, cook his food, submit, take the pain he gives, and provide my body for his use at every single minute of my day. Play and sex with others does not interest me in the least. I yearn to live to please him. I am unsure if I should ask him to take me back, as I was not getting what I wanted (play, attention, sex) as often as I thought I needed it due to outside factors.

I don't know what to hope for most - for these life situations to change in order to get the life I want, or to hope to find someone else to be with. I love him now, and I wish to submit to no one else. However, these life situations will not be changing anytime soon. Soon as within 10 years. Can I be happy with some middle ground? I am not sure, as I desperately want something I have difficulty to even describe, because to do so fully would, I fear, lead to dispair. The last thing I want is to leave the lifestyle. I need it, it is who I am. I wish I just would know what was going to happen, and when. However, that would ruin the journey, and likely prevent me from having the drive to get there.

Being a Masterless slave hurts, and I feel like so much of me is missing. I yearn to submit and serve in the way I envision, completely, live-in, 24/7. I hope someday I will have that.

What a Master Does and Gets

A Master/Mistress should provide, either directly, virtually, or through other people (not in any particular order):
Enough play time for His/Her slave
After-care
Protection of the slave
Needed mental and physical care
Enough sexual satisfaction
A safe place to turn for help
Support for basic needs (food, shelter, water, etc, through allowing her to work, providing for her, etc)

A Master/Mistress should, in return, receive from the slave:
Play time, limited only by absolute physical and mental limits (ie slave will fall asleep mid-scene, require medical attention, etc)
Sexual satisfaction, limited as above
Some types of play reserved for, and provided because of the slaves dedication and love. For me, this included pussy torture and pains I do not find pleasurable, among others.
Trust, respect, obedience, devotion
Someone to listen to His/Her problems

Of course, there are other things I may have missed that are vital to the M/s relationship, and this list is of the mature M/s relationship from my perspective. I wanted to get these down as I realized while playing this weekend that there are many things that I do not allow others to do to me. My front side feels extremely vulnerable, and I hate the feelings I get when others do things to my front side, and there are many things I have not tried because of this feeling (like breast/stomach/thigh flogging for example).

I am going to start writing an example of a M/s contract, an interests checklist, and other things I think would be beneficial to a M/s couple, group, or any individual thinking about partaking in one of these relationships. Again, as I am young and have limited perspective, it will be my view of things that will work well in this type of relationship, and will include tips for both Master/Mistress and slave to help fulfill the other partner(s) needs.