Looking Back

Now, looking back at the first few months, my perspective and understanding of my Masters' way makes much more sense. The friend He wanted to find for me would have helped. I could not understand the emotions i was feeling, and having someone, anyone, to talk to about it would have helped. Currently, i am a member of Fetlife.com, a site where a kinky person can discuss with others.

My journal ends after these last few, angry, undated entries. My recount of the times after this will be much less detailed and not completely accurate, but should be enough to understand. I did not end my relationship with my Master. I did, again, betray His trust, through another sexual encounter. While I had been allowed to have sexual partners of the same sex without needing prior permission, there was one drunk night where, while hooking up with a very sexy girl, i allowed her boyfriend to enter my Masters body. Instead of releasing me, He taught me important lessons of trust, patience, and love. My only luck here is that He forgave me. I have not, in the six months following, lost His trust and betrayed Him again, nor have i even had the urge.

On my sisters birthday, i met another Dom. He was cocky and full of himself, and i was intrigued. With his strongest efforts, i stayed true to my Master. Masters' rules were that if i wanted to have sex with someone outside the lifestyle, i had to ask, but within the lifestyle, the Dom or Domme needed to ask for sex or anything BDSM related. This Dom refused, and still, i stayed true. Over time, this Dom asked my Master if he could play with me. My Master agreed, and a sudden surge of BDSM flooded into my life. I was very happy. The sex was often, and good. There were ball gags and floggers, and over time, the extra attention drew me closer to this Dom.

My Master wanted me to take a month to be with this Dom, and not with Him. At first I refused, but eventually, this Dom would become my boyfriend. He was never my Master. That relationship brought me down. Drugs became a large part of my life, and my grades suffered because of it. After a little over a month (my Master knows so well!), he broke up with me, at my own housewarming party. Why? Because he found a text from my Master, the contents of which showed that i was being completely loyal to my new boyfriend and Dom. One day later, this "Dom" started to purposefully hurt me, first by spending Christmas Eve and Day with his old sub, whom he had told me was keeping him down in life, and by ruining plans with him and a large number of friends for not only Christmas, but also New Years and my 21st birthday, just a few days afterward.

While my New Years and birthday were not ruined (they were awesome in fact! Thanks guys!), I was very afraid to re-join the lifestyle, and risk myself to be hurt again. A Dom has a huge amount of control over the sub, and when they go out of their way to hurt you, and not give you the aftercare you need, it causes a huge distaste. However, with time, I was drawn back to my Master.

BDSM, for most, and definately for me, is a part of your life. Without it, i am not myself. During my time with this "Dom," I had joined Fetlife.com. After the breakup, I had a very large problem with "sub frenzy," a feeling that can overwhelm the mind, and lead to some dangerous situations. I was willing to risk anything for the high of submitting. It was to the point where i would rather have been in the hospital for a bad BDSM encounter (untrained bondage, whipping, etc can be very dangerous, and i was willing to submit to a stranger!) than to continue without it. Luckily, my Master came to my rescue. My love and trust for my Master pulled me back to Him, and we returned to our relationship. While He was out of town, I pushed my frenzy down by going to lunch with some very nice ladies, a bondage scene in my sisters home, and going to a social mixer. Since then, my frenzy has gone, but it was one of the most challenging things I have ever experienced.

Today, I have never been so in love with anyone as i am with my Master, and am completely happy. He has helped me overcome my addiction to sex, and i am completely dedicated to Him. While there are always ups and downs, we are completely in love and willing to work at our relationship. I would give anything for Him.

Tomorrow, i am going, with Master, to our first play party together. I am extremely excited, as is He.