Play Party and Thinking

The last play party was a complete blast! I got some major bruises and played with two people other than my master. My master could not be there for both nights and was only there for a little while the first night, but our playing was also very nice. I am still (about 40 hours later) flying from the endorphin rush.

I have been thinking about what i want with my Master, as i am not really sure anymore if i can be what i will need to be if we do end up together forever. I am not sure that i want to be a step mother, at least at this point in my life. In five or so years, will it be any better, as she will then be a teenager. I want to live and wait a while to have children, and be able to fully emerse and live out this crazy lifestyle, which we cannot do with a child in the house. I want to wait about ten years to start having children, but i dont want him to have his youngest child grown and then back to step one with babies. Im worried he will decide he doesnt want any children, which will then lead to a divorce, honestly. I'm worried that i will decide at this point that i wont want children, and then may regret it later.

I'm so young, and i dont want to make a major mistake this early. I want to be able to leave before i get myself in a position when it is more difficult. But i am not ready to leave. I am in love. i want to be with him.

Of course, seeing others at the party didnt help. Many of these people have children, some grown, others not, but i want a 24/7 lifestyle right now. I dont want to worry about children being around. I want to be the child/puppy/play thing/slut/what have you. I want to be with someone(s) all the time. I am also really wanting to be with women (esp a few that i have met through the community) and i think this is also making it harder. I at least want to have a sexy woman to play with.

He is always telling me that he doesnt want me to regret being with him. I am afraid that he, one day if we are together, regret me. And that kills me.