Worries

So the semester is almost over. Meaning finals and wrapping up the dorm life. Problem is, i have no idea where i am going to live this summer. I declined the summer dorm, thinking i'd live in my house, but the rooms have all been rented. So in two weeks, I have tests, finals, and papers, and have to check out about 30 people, and move myself, all while having no idea where i am going to live. needless to say my life has been crazy.

When I want to end it...

I am hurting so badly... Experiencing sub drop for the first time. Played at a play party with a friend yesterday... Had a good long aftercare... but i think that it was cause by my "master." The person I played with was doing a kinky photo shoot with some other girls, and I was invited to come along. Now, I didnt check with my "master" if i could carpool with this friend, or about the shoot, because earlier that day, he told me that he was thinking we should go on a break, so he could get his mind together. I assumed that meant everything would stop for a while. I changed my relationship status on my fetlife, which he was mad over, but didnt wsay anything more than that it hurt him.

This basically was my (text) conversation with my "master" today:
me: i'm doing a kinky photo shoot with my friend and two other girls. There is lots of stuff for me to wear :)
him: You should see if one of the girls can play with us. I'm not happy about all this time with your friend
me: i'msorry i thought we were on break
him: no i said i was thinking about it which was why i was so upset about your fetlife page. and why i said i was upset last night when you were going to be with him. and even if we did it would be from being lovers not from being your master.
me: haha you havent really been my master for a very long time. and i also told you that i dont want you to just say something like that if you arent doing it. and i thought we did decide to
him: nice thanks for the input
me: lets not fight please. i love you. i wish you were here. But i've been doing whatever because i thought we ended it. At least for now.
him: nope and like i said thanks for the input
me: nope?
him: well i guess it is done then
me: can i call you?i havent felt like your property since my last dom so idk what you want.
him: god i am so pissed right now
me: i thought we were on break.
him: in this community that we joined together (not true i went first without him) you are MY slave and that is how you will stay unless i give you to comeone else. The rest of the time you were my lover and my heart until we knew if you were going to be my slave at home as well.
me: i haven't felt like your slave since my last dom so idk what you want
him: well i am going to have to change that i know due to things going on i have been very lax but i never expected you to mistake that for you not knowing your place with me and knowing that you are still mine and owned by me. the break would be from being lovers I am and will always be your master until i decide to give you to someone else. enjoy today as it will be the last for a while
me: i did not sign that. and i dont recall signing anything after we last stopped.
him: i see then i have what i need to know
me: would you stop talking in code? i prefer being your lover to this.
him: i'm not talking in code. when are you leaving
me: i'm not sure he brought me
him: ok well just stay with him then
me:stop being a baby please. I want to be with you. I re-arranged my school schedual for you. i love you. not him.
him: I am not being a baby i have been betrayed by my slave and the woman i love
me: i have not betrayed you!
him: you are out playing with another man that does not have a play partner and has made it clear he is looking for one and you never mentioned you going with him him last night and you never mentioned at any time today nor did you talk to me about either at any point.
me:well i am very sorry. i thought we were on break. i didnt think there was a problem. Please i didnt know i was doing anything wrong. you know i love you and i want to be with you. i didnt think i was in the wrong. you knew i was going to go play.
him: yeah i knew you were going to the play party but did not know you were riding with him and you said nothing about today
me: i know i didnt think i needed to. There is no need to worry about me i dont want to play anymore. (by now, i am fully in drop, and tears are running down my face. My time has been completely ruined, along with my body image, as my pictures did not make me look as i wanted to look.)
him: why what is going on?
me: I'm not happy. I dont want to be in the lifestlye anymore
him: you love the lifestyle as do i. I love you
me: you tell me you are pissed and ruin my time and then you love me?
him: just because i am pissed does not mean i dont love you
me:well please dont be pissed i cant take you being pissed off at me

end of conversation, and i am not able to talk to him anymore tonight.

Play Party and Thinking

The last play party was a complete blast! I got some major bruises and played with two people other than my master. My master could not be there for both nights and was only there for a little while the first night, but our playing was also very nice. I am still (about 40 hours later) flying from the endorphin rush.

I have been thinking about what i want with my Master, as i am not really sure anymore if i can be what i will need to be if we do end up together forever. I am not sure that i want to be a step mother, at least at this point in my life. In five or so years, will it be any better, as she will then be a teenager. I want to live and wait a while to have children, and be able to fully emerse and live out this crazy lifestyle, which we cannot do with a child in the house. I want to wait about ten years to start having children, but i dont want him to have his youngest child grown and then back to step one with babies. Im worried he will decide he doesnt want any children, which will then lead to a divorce, honestly. I'm worried that i will decide at this point that i wont want children, and then may regret it later.

I'm so young, and i dont want to make a major mistake this early. I want to be able to leave before i get myself in a position when it is more difficult. But i am not ready to leave. I am in love. i want to be with him.

Of course, seeing others at the party didnt help. Many of these people have children, some grown, others not, but i want a 24/7 lifestyle right now. I dont want to worry about children being around. I want to be the child/puppy/play thing/slut/what have you. I want to be with someone(s) all the time. I am also really wanting to be with women (esp a few that i have met through the community) and i think this is also making it harder. I at least want to have a sexy woman to play with.

He is always telling me that he doesnt want me to regret being with him. I am afraid that he, one day if we are together, regret me. And that kills me.